We Have Been Compromised, Lied To, Cheated, Manipulated, and Screwed With: Final Post.

My name, as you know it, is ‘lifefromthequeenofhearts’. My real name is Georgia. I’m 17 years old. My blog has been compromised; my life has been compromised, by people I loved with all my heart. Now I can only bring myself to hate them.

These last few weeks have been the darkest I can remember. I have never been more humiliated in all my life, nor have I ever had so much on my plate. I placed my trust in the wrong people. But I guess that’s it right? You can never trust people because eventually, they all leave you anyway. Regan left me. Felicity left me. Liam left me. Ethan is leaving me. It was adamant these people would to. I just never thought of it happening in an emotional sense.

It’s time to reveal these people for who they really are. Holmes is my best friend; in fact she is more than that. She is more than a sister and more than a lover. There is no word for who she is to me; except perhaps ‘Hetero-sexual life partner’. Her name is Jade. I have known her since we started grade 1 together. She has backed me up through all of this.

Payne is a boy called Corbin who has been saving my sorry arse from doing very dumb things since 2009. I would potentially be dead without him. He means more to me now than I ever thought he would. He has stuck by me.

Egypt is my younger sister Laura. She is what keeps me grounded and going. I get out of my bed every morning and fight off the blackness, and the pain, and all the shit because she needs me. And it turns out I need her more. I get up because she tells me to. She sticks out her hand and pulls me up, dusts me off, and says “You are strong.” She kisses me on the cheek and sends me on my way with a quick hug.

Ma Baker and Pa are obviously my parents. And whilst they are the cause of a lot of angst on my part, they have not stopped loving me in all my 17 years. In fact, I love them more and more every day. And I sincerely hope they feel the same.

Piano-Man was my first and only love; a boy called Ethan. And if I am being honest with myself, I still love him. Deeply and irrevocably. He was my Romeo and I was his Juliet, and we spent 6 months in blissful ignorance to the outside world whilst fighting off any outside force that tried to push us away from each other. This only brought us closer until finally the Capulets and the Montagues got what they wanted, and forced us apart. He spent 5 weeks away from me, and at the end, he was no longer mine. I tried everything, for months, to get him out of my head. We even decided to date other people in the hope of it working. It didn’t work for me. He and I are no longer on speaking terms after a conversation where I screwed up and his last words to me were, “Well fuck you.” But I love him. And one day, somewhere in the future, maybe I’ll meet him again. And if that never happens, I hope he is safe and happy and well looked after. At the end of the year, he will move back to his home town in Utah and I will potentially never see him again.

Sam and I are no longer dating. In fact that was like a wildfire, and was snuffed out in a little under a fortnight. Quite simply because we screwed up. He was using me to overcome his girlfriend. And I was using him to get over Ethan and it just didn’t work. A relationship based on lust is unhealthy. As this is the last post, I may as well tell you all what happened between us.

(THIS URL HAS BEEN HANDED OUT TO EVERYONE WHO I DIDN’T WANT TO SEE IT, AND SINCE THIS IS A FINAL ENTRY WHICH WILL HOLD ALL THE TRUTH AS I KNOW IT, YOU MAY AS WELL GET DETAILS AND FUCK OFF) Sam and I pretty much started heavy straight away. Within an hour of first kissing him, our shirts and my bra lay on the floor. We spent a fair bit of time dry humping on his bed until it was time for me to go home and babysit my sister. Sam decided he was going to help babysit. Laura went to bed at 9 and then it was back to making out. More dry humping insured, until he finally came.

He apologised for the fact that the next day I was walking like I’d been riding a horse all day the day before. He apologised for out of control hormones. So did I. That was too far. Of course, it was going to go further. When I’m upset, when I’m VERY upset, I get impulsive to the point of doing anything to make the thing bugging me disappear for a little while. And since I have a no drugs/no alcohol policy, I wasn’t about to make myself forget by using them. I called Sam and he told me to come over. We had a good day, really. Just hanging out, and acting like a couple is meant to. Playing Slender Man, and he made me lunch. He kissed me properly, and held me, and just lay with me and enjoyed the proximity of another body. After that things heated up. I topped. Dry humping. And then I jerked him off. After that he was distant.

I left and went to work. That night we broke up. He had enough decency to explain to me that he didn’t want to do this. And I believed him. I fessed up to the same thing. We shouldn’t have done what we did. And the experiment had failed. We couldn’t, nor can we now, get over our respective loves. He has Lahni, and I need to fix things with Ethan before he goes.

These are the people in my life who I really truly care about; who have not failed me; and who I would do anything in my power to protect.

A few weeks/months ago I posted an entry called, “Those Unconventional Relationships,” which ensured a rant about how the unconventional ones are the best because you don’t need to know, you just trust. It was deep and heartfelt. And about a person I cared greatly for.

It was also the biggest load of bullshit I have ever written.

Molly, Jade’s ex and a person I entrusted my life too, is a guy called Adam. He is the single more horrible person I have ever had the misfortune of placing in my life. I attached myself to him like a damn sucker fish. I gave him everything I could. I was loyal. I stood up for him. I trusted him. And in the end, for some unknown reason, he threw it back in my face. Firstly, he asked how things were with Sam.

Mistake 1 was telling him, in all the detail I could muster, just how horrible I had been. Doing what I did, goes against everything I have ever believed, and yet I did it. It was tearing me up inside. And I used Adam like he was confession. Like I was a sex addict and he was confession. He then went and told a girl called AJ, who doesn’t understand ‘minding your own business’, ‘keeping promises’, and is the biggest hypocrite this side of the Great Dividing Range.

AJ then went to Sam, and verbally tore him apart for something he had sorted with me: “…fucking up again and again. You know, there usually are no mistakes – just life lessons learned. Yet you are making mistakes again and again… with you, there is no learning – just a mistake.

I would punch you – but I see no use as you don’t even understand basic common sense. I hope you feel pain, I desperately hope you feel that gut-wrenching guilt – as that is your punishment – but if by far I hear any more shit that you’ve done with girls or boys – you understand how far I will go when I snap. I’ll give you one chance to explain yourself – choose your words carefully cause I’m soooo close to snapping. I shouldn’t even be in this… But I feel so much emotion – it involves me insanely. COULDN’T YOU have just WAITED until you left high school – are you that desperate that you couldn’t stop?!? ….”i promise i wont hurt you again” <<<<<<<<< You promised. She gave you a chance. After the many that I gave you but was forced to give up – she gave you one. First Ali, now Georgia. Yes, I know.”

(FOR ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY GIVES A FLYING FUCK, SAM DID NOT KNOW ABOUT ALI UNTIL I TOLD HIM AFTER READING THIS. I HAD TO MAKE MYSELF BLATANTLY OBVIOUS IN GETTING HIS ATTENTION, SO LIKE HELL HE WOULD HAVE NOTICED HER)

What happened between us was meant to stay between us, and I screwed up by telling someone else. From there, I had to apologise and explain things to Sam, who’s already dealing with his own shit outside my problems. AJ apologised for losing her shit, but would not tell me who told her, using the exact words, “Ever since he broke his promises – i vowed to always keep mine. i cant tell you, im sorry.”

I don’t care what promises he supposedly broke, he didn’t break them to me. The person who broke their promises to me, was Adam. And thus, the cycle started again. You see, throughout all of this I thought he had a grasp on what I had been talking about. Pretty sure I’d made myself surreptitiously obvious. But Adam decided he was going to tell as many people as he could that Sam and I had slept together. I don’t know how far the rumour spreads, I just know it exists. And it shouldn’t. Sam and I did not sleep together. My pants stayed on the entire time. I couldn’t bring myself to do that, and Sam wouldn’t have done that so fast.

We are friends now. Close friends. Nothing more. Nothing less. Sure, we have our awkward moments. But they’re overcome easily enough.

Now, to destroy this even more, Jade broke up with Adam a few days ago. As nicely as she possibly could. Simply because she felt it was wrong to lead someone on when you can’t replicate the intensity of their feelings. And Adam was hella intense. Only then, a few hours later, does she find out that the entire time he was with her, he spent flirting with another girl. Maybe more. If there is one thing I will never stand for, it is people hurting my friends and family. He may as well have hit my younger sister with a car. He can lie to me, manipulate me, and even beat me til I bleed for all I care, but as soon as he makes one false move against someone I care about- I will hurt him. And thus, I am determined to do something about this.

So all mistakes in a list:

  1. Mine- telling Adam anything.
  2. Adam- telling AJ and everyone else.
  3. Mine and Sam’s- doing the things we did.
  4. Adam- lying to me, to my face.
  5. AJ- for attempting to get involved.
  6. Adam- for messing around with Jade when he knew I would back her up.
  7. Mine- for trusting him.
  8. Adam- for breaking that trust.
  9. AJ- for emotionally abusing Sam.
  10. Mine- for thinking that everything will be okay and giving them all a second chance.

These things are all I know to be the truth right now. These things have sent me into a hole that I’m perpetually trying to get out of on a regular basis. I don’t think either Adam or AJ, or anyone else involved in this scam, realised the damage that they have done. To any of us.

Jade, already having a few trust issues of her own, is fighting a battle against a slow burner anger to kill someone.

Sam is, as we speak, dragging himself out of his own holes. These were just more that could have been avoided if we learned to keep our mouths shut.

And me? I’m fighting the black dog. Have you ever heard that expression? The black dog of depression. Adam’s final mistake was the last straw- handing this URL out. This is the last post. There will be no more stories. There will be no more laughs. There will be nothing except this reminder to anyone whom Adam has given the URL to. You have all fucked me over for the last time. You have screwed over everything and I hope this hurts you. I hope you feel the pain. I hope it kills you while you breathe it in.

I want you to know that any pain you feel, any guilt, is nothing to how you have made me feel. I want you to know that I have never felt this worthless in all my life. And I did nothing to you. I did nothing to deserve this. I lived my life. I trusted my friends, like I was meant to. You chose to over step your line. You chose to fuck this up. I have never wished for the destruction of another human being, but I cannot tell you how much I wish for yours.

I have never been so humiliated. I trusted you. You were my friend. I trusted you. I hate you. I hope you burn. I hope it eats you. Jade keeps telling me that what goes around comes around, and I believe her. I just hope it hurts.

I hope you cry; and scream; and I hope blood is spilt like milk.

Understand that not only did you do this to me, but to Sam, and Jade, and to yourself.

Don’t you dare try this again. Consider it a warning. Hold your tongue. Or I will come for you.

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I Don’t Think I Ever Got Over It.

it’s funny to think that we don’tknowwhere we stand anymore.

too
afraid
to
ask
a
simple
quest…
ion
 
do you still love me?
 
see? thisiswhyidon’task questions any more.
 
 
don’tcontactmebecauseidon’tknowwhattothink
i can’t think.
i can’t think.
don’t think.
don’t think.
 
see, this is me trying to convince myself that i feel nothing;
and that you feel nothing as well.
 
 
all you maggots smoking fags out there on hollywood boulevard.
YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER TRUSTED HOLLYWOOD.
 
 
We got a little carried away
So this is were we sit and say
“I didn’t mean any of it-
not then, not now, not a bit.”
 
— 
 
so i don’t believe that
and i don’t believe you
and i don’t believe in myself
and i don’t believe this is true
 
 
i’m rhyming.
funny.
this 
is 
what
you
do
to 
me.
 
— 
 
ijustwantmybestfriendback
andsomethingmore
youknowmeandiknowyou
andineverforgotthethingsyoutoldme
 
 
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m three inches from you’re face and can’t do a think about it.”
 
 
“Well I guess this is it then.”
“I guess it is.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t forget my first kiss.”
(sad smile. flash of the eyes. penetrating stare)
“You know, I always imagined that I’d get to keep the girl who was my first kiss. That one day, my son might come up to me and say, ‘Hey dad, who was you’re first kiss?’ and I would be able to reply with, ‘You’re mother.'”
 
 
it’s funny to think thatwedon’tknowwho we are anymore.
 
do you still love me? [did you ever?]
 
YES.
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The Persons

So earlier in the blog I mentioned two people. Person A and Person B. Needless to say, anything that was happening when it came to me isn’t anymore. Guess an infatuation that soon passed. So thankyou kind people for your advice.

Currently dating a guy called Sam. And yes, I’m using his real name just because I can’t think of  nickname. There’s a lot of relationship potential in there right now, but mostly I just think he’s a really sweet guy who no one is giving a chance to. 

So, Person A and B, because they asked, are Molly and Holmes. Or at least, were. That doesn’t matter any more. I am quite happy where I am, and really, there is no need for anything else.

This is just an update, so I’ll update again soon.

Love Q

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The Instability of the One, Leads to the Cut Off of the Many

I haven’t exactly been in the best of places these last few days. Emotionally and mentally that is. In fact, my stability has been quite… well… unstable.

It has come to my attention that a lot of things buried in my past are starting to resurface, things that I have forgotten and that I have avoided for many, many years. Things that started from when I was about 18 months old and now, 15 1/2 years later, they’re coming back to literally haunt me.

I can’t really explain how it works, and I don’t know what triggered it, but the flashbacks are almost convulsing me now, and are very unpredictable. They appear in dreams to the point where I can’t distinguish between reality and imagination. I swear, there are no drugs involved, but it’s frightening.

So far, I’ve been distancing myself from as many people as possible, giving of myself only to Egypt, Ma Baker, and Pa. Pieces to D-Day, Holmes, Payne, and Test-tube. Payne, D-Day, and Test-tube are all simple friends from school. Nothing major. In fact, I don’t really talk to them all that much, and more often than not, the people you don’t talk to are often a lot easier to talk to. So far, it hasn’t really been working. I crave company, and then I can’t stand to be around people. At least not the ones I know, because I can’t handle how anxious and worried they all look.

Person A and Person B are still together. Not entirely sure about happy, there has been a fair bit of drama, but I just decided to back out of it all. In fact, I’m basically resigning myself to back out of life. At least for the time being. Until I sort myself out.

May. I only need to wait until May.

In other news, one week left of school for the term. Basically, after this it means 2 and a half more terms of high school and I will never have to cross that threshold ever again. I don’t even think I will go back for reunions. Simply just to spite them. Not that anyone will remember me, but still.

University is great, still my favourite part of the week. The Icelandic man who lectures us is the definition of ‘perfect individual’, and my tutor looks like Jesus in jeans. And I mean that in the least blasphemous way possible.

There isn’t much else to talk about.

Love Q.

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Help?

I’ve been doing some ‘soul searching’ over the last few hours and I’ve come to the realisation that I am in desperate need of some help. I’m turning into some sappy, sentimental, stereotypical teenager. Oh. Hell. No. Actually mostly I’m just asking for help…? Advice…? I can’t name names this time around because I’ve learnt that a few friends have been reading my blog. And they don’t need to know about this. But I need advice. 

So, it goes something like this. I have a friend who is in love. Head over heels. The person they love doesn’t feel as strongly about them. I on the other hand do. I’m not entirely sure how, and because I’ve been forcing myself away from Piano Man lately. Plus, it kind of helps to know he’s moving on too, so there is nothing fuelling us any more.

Anyway, the person who is doing the loving (Person A), and the person who is being loved (Person B) are dating. Going out. Official. Together. What ever you want to call it. And it took me  weeks to finally figure out why the hell I’m still attached to the both of them but brimming with resentment. 

All I want is a shot with Person A, but if I wait for this relationship to fail, which it ultimately shall, Person A will be crushed. Thus resulting in a lack of trust in any form of relationship for a fairly long while. And I’m working on a limited time frame right here.

So here’s the thing, I love them both. They’re great. I just want a shot with Person A. The question is, do I just ignore it? Do I move on? Do I avoid them both? Do I hope it passes?

Yes, I do understand that this probably has to be the whiniest thing ever posted on WordPress, but I’m still 17 and trying to grow up, a lot of the people on here already are and seriously probably know more about life than I do. Please, some advice kind people?

Love Q

 

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Sherlock Holmes and Molly Hooper

So, remember Holmes and Molly?

Well, that seems to be working out quite well. And I mean really well. She’s showing more emotion with him than she has with me in the last 12 years. I will admit my jealousy. Actually, I admit the jealousy because now (and here comes a rant) I think she may have just been putting on a face; a façade, with me for all that time. 

Molly once told me that she must love me in some way to have stuck around for this long, but again, probably because I’m the only person willing to put up with her shit.

I am very happy for him though. Really. Incredibly so. If anyone deserves it, Molly does. Talking to him yesterday, he confided in me that his best friend had died that very day.

Molly is one of those people who, once you form an emotional attachment to him, it means that you will then spend the next, however many years. making sure he is happy. And I decided to attempt a last night with him, just because I was worried.

However, within ten minutes of a conversation with Holmes, he’s fine. Well, not  fine, but more in control. 

One good thing to come out of last night though, I got a free and incredibly fantastic piano performance. Seriously, he is so brilliant. Next concert I will freaking go to. 

that’s all for today,

Q

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Sing us a Song, You’re the Piano Man.

Good morning,

I have been meaning to update for a while now and have not had the chance. It has been a difficult week. I’ve spent most of it trying not to cough up my lungs or choke on my own vomit for that matter. Anyway, that was more information than you need. I’ve wanted nothing more than to curl into a ball and sleep through it. However, my father gave me some good advice; “Forget yourself and go to work.” So I have been working a lot on a few different things. Earlier in the blog, I was talking about the university scholarship I received. My first lecture was Wednesday and it was absolutely fantastic. The lecturer is crazy. At first glance he looked like a business professor and I was certain he was in the wrong place, but then he opened his mouth and every word of wisdom and interest ever muttered about writers came pouring out.

I am quite happy with the thought that over the next year my writing, under his direction and guidance, will potentially grow and become more defined. His lecture wasn’t even so much about writing, but more about how we have marked ourselves as writers and now must define this. By define what a writer is we can truly define ourselves and the mark we want to leave on the world, which is something I’ve always been worried about.

So, this boy’s name, for the sake of this blog, I’m going to call him Piano Man. He is absolutely amazing; foreign; sweet; funny; attractive; intelligent; an excellent conversationalist. Everything to you look for in a genuine person. Here is where I learnt how horrible I am at controlling myself. Mostly because when you’ve suppressed every hormonal desire in your body since you started puberty, that is a lot of years to catch up on. I’m 17. And I’ve only ever been kissed, properly, by one person. Piano Man. Anyway, I’m not going to go into all that sentimental shit because, like my instincts, I’m going to suppress it.

Our relationship, over the course of the summer, was basically my ‘Prince Charming’ Complex on high beam, whilst he played Romeo and I finally got to play Juliet (Holmes usually plays her) only no one died and Romeo was caught and sent to Utah for 3 weeks in which time I received a letter from his mother explaining that I should really break things off with her son. And Ma Baker agreed.

I don’t really think this was the worst part, I think the worst part was when his mother called me a few very insensitive things, my mother called her a bitch a few times, his parents threatened to leave him in Utah so he would be away from me, and we were called toxic. In fact, all outer parties (which I might add, were a LOT) told us we were toxic- on each other, on ourselves, and on everyone else, which oddly enough made and still makes perfect sense.

Actually, those parts were pretty bad, but the worse part was that as it was ending he said to me, “You know what sucks? You were my first kiss. And I always had this thing in my head were one day my son would come up to me and say “Dad, who was your first kiss,” and I’d reply with, “Your mother.”” At this point, I decided I wouldn’t leave my bed for the next three days.

There are a few important things to learn from this experience, so girls I expect you to listen up right now:

  • When you’re with someone, they are NOT the only thing to exist. Everything will seem grey when he isn’t around but that does mean it isn’t   colourful. He is not the only thing. Tunnel vision and being colour blind will not fix anything, the best thing to do is find balance.
  • If he gets up at 2am in a different country to have a conversation with you, tell him to go back to bed because, seriously, when he wakes up the next morning looking like death, his parents will know.
  • When one is a sociopath/psychopath, and the other is absolutely perfect- that is when it needs to break off.
  • BEING A WRITER IS NOT AN EXCUSE.
  • Try not to lead him on too much, that just makes mess.
  • Your sister’s birthday is not a good day to hook up.
  • Making out is a LOT of fun. Just remember limits, because like hell he will.
  • Just… no sex of any kind. I can’t even.. (NO I DIDN’T SLEEP WITH HIM BUT THE AMOUNT OF TIMES WE TALKED ABOUT IT JUST SHUT UP NO DISAPPROVING)
  • Your parents may be able to help, I mean, they may not FULLY understand, but they could have been in a similar situation. Trust them.
  • His mama will appreciate you eventually, she just won’t ever trust you. And his dad is most likely a hot headed bastard.
  • If it is meant to be, honey, you’ll find him again.

I wanted to think, for a long time, that Piano Man was a mistake, but he isn’t. Not really. I don’t think he ever could be. He found me when I was in a really bad state. His timing was perfect. And he was literally one of the only things keeping me going. Just the contact with another human being who I didn’t feel the need to hide from. And I mean CONSTANT contact. Random text messages. Phone calls that we didn’t even have to answer, just knowing that the other one had actually called. Always touching; a hand, brush of the back, a kiss on the cheek.

And the fact the he was gone, wasn’t even the fact that I didn’t have the claim to him I used to, it was the loss of contact. All of the sudden I was more alone in those weeks than I had been ever. More alone than I was before he found me. And not only did that hurt, but it was so frightening.

But here’s the thing, in those days and weeks, I learnt something about writing. The rawer (if that’s even a word) it is, the better it is. Because it’s true. It was always true and then you end up with this stuff that makes grown men cry like little girls, because they can hear how much it hurts. Which is usually a lot.

I don’t know if I still care about him the way I used to; if I still love him. But I don’t really want to lose him.

Much love,

Q xoxo

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