My name, as you know it, is ‘lifefromthequeenofhearts’. My real name is Georgia. I’m 17 years old. My blog has been compromised; my life has been compromised, by people I loved with all my heart. Now I can only bring myself to hate them.
These last few weeks have been the darkest I can remember. I have never been more humiliated in all my life, nor have I ever had so much on my plate. I placed my trust in the wrong people. But I guess that’s it right? You can never trust people because eventually, they all leave you anyway. Regan left me. Felicity left me. Liam left me. Ethan is leaving me. It was adamant these people would to. I just never thought of it happening in an emotional sense.
It’s time to reveal these people for who they really are. Holmes is my best friend; in fact she is more than that. She is more than a sister and more than a lover. There is no word for who she is to me; except perhaps ‘Hetero-sexual life partner’. Her name is Jade. I have known her since we started grade 1 together. She has backed me up through all of this.
Payne is a boy called Corbin who has been saving my sorry arse from doing very dumb things since 2009. I would potentially be dead without him. He means more to me now than I ever thought he would. He has stuck by me.
Egypt is my younger sister Laura. She is what keeps me grounded and going. I get out of my bed every morning and fight off the blackness, and the pain, and all the shit because she needs me. And it turns out I need her more. I get up because she tells me to. She sticks out her hand and pulls me up, dusts me off, and says “You are strong.” She kisses me on the cheek and sends me on my way with a quick hug.
Ma Baker and Pa are obviously my parents. And whilst they are the cause of a lot of angst on my part, they have not stopped loving me in all my 17 years. In fact, I love them more and more every day. And I sincerely hope they feel the same.
Piano-Man was my first and only love; a boy called Ethan. And if I am being honest with myself, I still love him. Deeply and irrevocably. He was my Romeo and I was his Juliet, and we spent 6 months in blissful ignorance to the outside world whilst fighting off any outside force that tried to push us away from each other. This only brought us closer until finally the Capulets and the Montagues got what they wanted, and forced us apart. He spent 5 weeks away from me, and at the end, he was no longer mine. I tried everything, for months, to get him out of my head. We even decided to date other people in the hope of it working. It didn’t work for me. He and I are no longer on speaking terms after a conversation where I screwed up and his last words to me were, “Well fuck you.” But I love him. And one day, somewhere in the future, maybe I’ll meet him again. And if that never happens, I hope he is safe and happy and well looked after. At the end of the year, he will move back to his home town in Utah and I will potentially never see him again.
Sam and I are no longer dating. In fact that was like a wildfire, and was snuffed out in a little under a fortnight. Quite simply because we screwed up. He was using me to overcome his girlfriend. And I was using him to get over Ethan and it just didn’t work. A relationship based on lust is unhealthy. As this is the last post, I may as well tell you all what happened between us.
(THIS URL HAS BEEN HANDED OUT TO EVERYONE WHO I DIDN’T WANT TO SEE IT, AND SINCE THIS IS A FINAL ENTRY WHICH WILL HOLD ALL THE TRUTH AS I KNOW IT, YOU MAY AS WELL GET DETAILS AND FUCK OFF) Sam and I pretty much started heavy straight away. Within an hour of first kissing him, our shirts and my bra lay on the floor. We spent a fair bit of time dry humping on his bed until it was time for me to go home and babysit my sister. Sam decided he was going to help babysit. Laura went to bed at 9 and then it was back to making out. More dry humping insured, until he finally came.
He apologised for the fact that the next day I was walking like I’d been riding a horse all day the day before. He apologised for out of control hormones. So did I. That was too far. Of course, it was going to go further. When I’m upset, when I’m VERY upset, I get impulsive to the point of doing anything to make the thing bugging me disappear for a little while. And since I have a no drugs/no alcohol policy, I wasn’t about to make myself forget by using them. I called Sam and he told me to come over. We had a good day, really. Just hanging out, and acting like a couple is meant to. Playing Slender Man, and he made me lunch. He kissed me properly, and held me, and just lay with me and enjoyed the proximity of another body. After that things heated up. I topped. Dry humping. And then I jerked him off. After that he was distant.
I left and went to work. That night we broke up. He had enough decency to explain to me that he didn’t want to do this. And I believed him. I fessed up to the same thing. We shouldn’t have done what we did. And the experiment had failed. We couldn’t, nor can we now, get over our respective loves. He has Lahni, and I need to fix things with Ethan before he goes.
These are the people in my life who I really truly care about; who have not failed me; and who I would do anything in my power to protect.
A few weeks/months ago I posted an entry called, “Those Unconventional Relationships,” which ensured a rant about how the unconventional ones are the best because you don’t need to know, you just trust. It was deep and heartfelt. And about a person I cared greatly for.
It was also the biggest load of bullshit I have ever written.
Molly, Jade’s ex and a person I entrusted my life too, is a guy called Adam. He is the single more horrible person I have ever had the misfortune of placing in my life. I attached myself to him like a damn sucker fish. I gave him everything I could. I was loyal. I stood up for him. I trusted him. And in the end, for some unknown reason, he threw it back in my face. Firstly, he asked how things were with Sam.
Mistake 1 was telling him, in all the detail I could muster, just how horrible I had been. Doing what I did, goes against everything I have ever believed, and yet I did it. It was tearing me up inside. And I used Adam like he was confession. Like I was a sex addict and he was confession. He then went and told a girl called AJ, who doesn’t understand ‘minding your own business’, ‘keeping promises’, and is the biggest hypocrite this side of the Great Dividing Range.
AJ then went to Sam, and verbally tore him apart for something he had sorted with me: “…fucking up again and again. You know, there usually are no mistakes – just life lessons learned. Yet you are making mistakes again and again… with you, there is no learning – just a mistake.
I would punch you – but I see no use as you don’t even understand basic common sense. I hope you feel pain, I desperately hope you feel that gut-wrenching guilt – as that is your punishment – but if by far I hear any more shit that you’ve done with girls or boys – you understand how far I will go when I snap. I’ll give you one chance to explain yourself – choose your words carefully cause I’m soooo close to snapping. I shouldn’t even be in this… But I feel so much emotion – it involves me insanely. COULDN’T YOU have just WAITED until you left high school – are you that desperate that you couldn’t stop?!? ….”i promise i wont hurt you again” <<<<<<<<< You promised. She gave you a chance. After the many that I gave you but was forced to give up – she gave you one. First Ali, now Georgia. Yes, I know.”
(FOR ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY GIVES A FLYING FUCK, SAM DID NOT KNOW ABOUT ALI UNTIL I TOLD HIM AFTER READING THIS. I HAD TO MAKE MYSELF BLATANTLY OBVIOUS IN GETTING HIS ATTENTION, SO LIKE HELL HE WOULD HAVE NOTICED HER)
What happened between us was meant to stay between us, and I screwed up by telling someone else. From there, I had to apologise and explain things to Sam, who’s already dealing with his own shit outside my problems. AJ apologised for losing her shit, but would not tell me who told her, using the exact words, “Ever since he broke his promises – i vowed to always keep mine. i cant tell you, im sorry.”
I don’t care what promises he supposedly broke, he didn’t break them to me. The person who broke their promises to me, was Adam. And thus, the cycle started again. You see, throughout all of this I thought he had a grasp on what I had been talking about. Pretty sure I’d made myself surreptitiously obvious. But Adam decided he was going to tell as many people as he could that Sam and I had slept together. I don’t know how far the rumour spreads, I just know it exists. And it shouldn’t. Sam and I did not sleep together. My pants stayed on the entire time. I couldn’t bring myself to do that, and Sam wouldn’t have done that so fast.
We are friends now. Close friends. Nothing more. Nothing less. Sure, we have our awkward moments. But they’re overcome easily enough.
Now, to destroy this even more, Jade broke up with Adam a few days ago. As nicely as she possibly could. Simply because she felt it was wrong to lead someone on when you can’t replicate the intensity of their feelings. And Adam was hella intense. Only then, a few hours later, does she find out that the entire time he was with her, he spent flirting with another girl. Maybe more. If there is one thing I will never stand for, it is people hurting my friends and family. He may as well have hit my younger sister with a car. He can lie to me, manipulate me, and even beat me til I bleed for all I care, but as soon as he makes one false move against someone I care about- I will hurt him. And thus, I am determined to do something about this.
So all mistakes in a list:
- Mine- telling Adam anything.
- Adam- telling AJ and everyone else.
- Mine and Sam’s- doing the things we did.
- Adam- lying to me, to my face.
- AJ- for attempting to get involved.
- Adam- for messing around with Jade when he knew I would back her up.
- Mine- for trusting him.
- Adam- for breaking that trust.
- AJ- for emotionally abusing Sam.
- Mine- for thinking that everything will be okay and giving them all a second chance.
These things are all I know to be the truth right now. These things have sent me into a hole that I’m perpetually trying to get out of on a regular basis. I don’t think either Adam or AJ, or anyone else involved in this scam, realised the damage that they have done. To any of us.
Jade, already having a few trust issues of her own, is fighting a battle against a slow burner anger to kill someone.
Sam is, as we speak, dragging himself out of his own holes. These were just more that could have been avoided if we learned to keep our mouths shut.
And me? I’m fighting the black dog. Have you ever heard that expression? The black dog of depression. Adam’s final mistake was the last straw- handing this URL out. This is the last post. There will be no more stories. There will be no more laughs. There will be nothing except this reminder to anyone whom Adam has given the URL to. You have all fucked me over for the last time. You have screwed over everything and I hope this hurts you. I hope you feel the pain. I hope it kills you while you breathe it in.
I want you to know that any pain you feel, any guilt, is nothing to how you have made me feel. I want you to know that I have never felt this worthless in all my life. And I did nothing to you. I did nothing to deserve this. I lived my life. I trusted my friends, like I was meant to. You chose to over step your line. You chose to fuck this up. I have never wished for the destruction of another human being, but I cannot tell you how much I wish for yours.
I have never been so humiliated. I trusted you. You were my friend. I trusted you. I hate you. I hope you burn. I hope it eats you. Jade keeps telling me that what goes around comes around, and I believe her. I just hope it hurts.
I hope you cry; and scream; and I hope blood is spilt like milk.
Understand that not only did you do this to me, but to Sam, and Jade, and to yourself.
Don’t you dare try this again. Consider it a warning. Hold your tongue. Or I will come for you.